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Friday, November 18, 2005

More football !

In honor of tomorrow's big game: The IRON BOWL--Auburn vs. Alabama and some other games of note around the country, here's a delightful forward that my brother sent me. Enjoy!

How Many SEC Students Does It Take To Screw In a Lightbulb........
At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more toexplain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.
At GEORGIA: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone anengineer at Georgia Tech for instructions.
At FLORIDA: it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figureout how to get stoned off the old one.
At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce abouthow The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at anNCAA investigator.
At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks andthree to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester hours.
At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss howmuch brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two tobuy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talkabout how much they hate Alabama.
At MISSISSIPPI STATE: it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two tobuy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".
At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talkabout how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk androll toomer's Corner when finished.
At SOUTH CAROLINA: it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 todiscuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decentfootball team.
At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's AccessoriesNORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, anda fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium SizeNORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

FathersNORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus DecorNORTH: Statues of founding fathers.SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming QueenNORTH: Also a physics major.SOUTH: Also Miss America.

HeroesNORTH: Rudy GulianiSOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning

Getting TicketsNORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campusand purchase tickets.SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office oncampus and put name on waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night GameNORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, becausethey have classes on Friday.SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see thefew hung over students that might actually make it to class.

ParkingNORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus forgame parking.SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday forthe weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes overto where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and waveto the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcastfrom their campus.

TailgatingNORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to localradio station with truck tailgate down.SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cookingaccompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come overduring breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.Getting to the

StadiumNORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes thestate's third largest city.

ConcessionsNORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot onit, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is PlayedNORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of themstand up.SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First ScoreNORTH: Nothing changes.SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male)NORTH: "Nice play."SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary (Female)NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."

AnnouncersNORTH: Neutral and paid.SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with atear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the GameNORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes tothe nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for nextweek's game.

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